When only Mommy will do...

Master X has always been a bit of a mama's boy. It hasn't posed much of a problem until now. He loves playing with his dad, has a close bond with his grandmother, and generally enjoys people. When his other grandparents or aunts/uncles visit, he warms to them immediately. He's had the same morning nanny since he was three months old and knows her just as well as any family member. I've always been his go-to person, and rightly so, in my opinion. I've been his primary caretaker for all two years and two months of his life.

In the past, Master X had no problem with me leaving the room or the apartment, and would usually smile and wave as I walked out the door. That's not the case anymore. Now, he cries whenever one of us separates from the other. He frequently runs into the office when he's with his nanny, asking for me to pick him up and play, and only wants me if I'm around. It's endearing and sweet, but also tiring. We pay the nanny so that I can accomplish things that are impossible when I'm also watching Master X, not so that he can have two playmates instead of one. Lately, I've resorted to sneaking around the house so that he can't see me when I'm trying to get work done.

Now, you may think that Master X is a neglected child whose parents are paying someone to raise their child. Not so. Master X has undivided "mommy time" for at least an hour in the morning before the nanny arrives, and then all afternoon and evening before he goes to bed. We do classes with friends and play together just the two of us. On the weekends, it's all mommy, all the time. Daddy is around, too, but mommy is still generally at the helm. Mister B and I have left him overnight twice, once a year ago and once this past August. Nothing has changed in the past (almost) two years. So what's going on?

This separation anxiety, for lack of a better term, isn't just happening during the day. It's begun to rear it's ugly head at bed time and is causing a tremendous amount of disruption. Those of you who know Master X know that he is "go, go, go" all day long. As a result, he's always been a great sleeper, going down relatively smoothly and sleeping for eleven or twelve hours. We did have to deal with sleep training when he was somewhere between four and five months old, and it was a challenge because he's so stubborn, but once we got past the hurdle, it was smooth sailing. Until now. For the past week, he's thrown a hysterical fit every time I put him in the crib - he won't let his dad do this anymore. He screams for me and for certain wayward stuffed animals in his crib. "Mommy! Blue bunny... blue bunny!"

It's impossible for me to ignore his screams, especially now that he's specifically calling for me. Master X's crying has always elicited an involuntary response in my body. My heart rate accelerates, I begin to sweat and I generally feel like someone is stabbing me in the stomach. It's been like this since he was born. So when he starts freaking out - something he has only done rarely in the past - I am compelled to go in and try to soothe him. If he's merely crying or whining, I can control myself and stay out of his room, but not when he's bellowing like he's in terrible pain. Two nights ago, after going in five times in about twenty minutes to soothe him, and then leaving as he began screaming again, Mister B suggested we give him ten minutes to calm down, like we did when we were in sleep training hell. Instead of calming down, Master X's protests grew louder and louder, eventually turning into some hyena-like hyperventilating. When I finally gave in, I discovered that he'd gotten so riled up that he threw up all over his crib. By the time I cleaned him and the bed and went through a bit more back and forth of getting him down (involving me agreeing to sit in his chair if he agreed to stay in his crib), it had been an hour and forty minutes since we began the bedtime ritual.

Last night, I decided that we'd do things differently. It troubles me that he's unhappy, but we've always had a routine and I don't want to start any bad habits. Instead of picking him up, I agreed to sit in the chair again. He was calm until I tried to leave... after about fifteen minutes of silence on his part. The second (and I mean second) I stood to leave, he sat bolt upright and began freaking. Thus began our second night of back and forth. Tonight, it was pretty much the same thing, except that I went straight to the chair as soon as I put him in instead of first trying to leave the room. I waited fifteen (hungry) minutes before leaving under protest and then listened to the crying for about five minutes before Master X quieted. Better than the two nights before, but still a problem. Last week, he went to bed with no issues at all, so it's hard to understand what's going on. I even tried a night light tonight, the twilight turtle, but no dice. He wanted it out of the room from the second I turned it on.

So that's where we are and I have no idea how to make it better. I feel terribly guilty every time he gets upset. Is it possible that he senses all the changes coming his way in about three months? We talk about his "baby brother" all the time, but he's never given me any indication that he actually understands what's going on. In fact, when I write that "we" talk, it's really just me. The topic generally bores him and he tunes me out or walks away. Still, I'm trying to be sensitive to the fact that his life will be turned upside down and that he may understand more than he lets on. On the other hand, I refuse to let Master X turn into a dictator and develop habits that are disruptive to the entire household.

Now what do we do?

Finished object: a ragdoll

I really enjoyed knitting this ragdoll for Miss L's second birthday. It is a Debbie Bliss pattern from the book Essential Knits from Kids. It was a quick knit and I have a lot of left over yarn to make more dolls. I actually spent more time on the finishing than the knitting. I felt like this project really helped me practice my finishing skills. I also enjoyed reading the finishing tips in the book. I took my time with everything and am really happy with how it turned out.

I decided to use yellow yarn for the doll's hair to match Miss L's and put a little bumblebee button on the back of the dress. Miss L is fascinated by bumblebees right now and we are going to have a bumblebee cake for her second birthday so I thought it would be a nice tie into the birthday bee theme.

I can't wait for Miss L to open this gift on her birthday. I think it has been my favorite knitting project so far.

Next up on the knitting queue are layette sets for the twins. One yellow and one green.

What to do with two (or three)?

Source: iCandy


Source: Bambino Goodies

Mama's A and H and I have been having an email discussion about the best strollers for transporting our expanding broods. I've opted for the Baby Bjorn option for Master T with Master R in the regular old Bugaboo and only have a double running stroller (which sadly is Master T is too small and wobbly for). Once Master T is too heavy I'll put him in the Ergo carrier. But after that I'm not too sure. There are some times when you just want to push them and not carry them. (And it limits your wardrobe options ha ha.)

I bought a buggy board before I left the US and subsequently discovered that they give them away for free here in my (underprivileged) borough to encourage safety. However Mama A and I both agree that our boys are far too energetic to be safely constrained to it.

Mama A saw was told about this British brand iCandy "pushchair" as above that is coming stateside in a couple of months. I don't know anyone who has one but will check it out in the next few days and see if it could be suitable for Master X.

This morning I saw a mother pushing her three kids - two in a double and the older on the buggy bike above. If it has a seat belt (doesn't look like it sadly) it might be a better option than a buggy board and much more fun for Master R. We'll have to fight to get him off rather than the usual getting him in tantrum.

What do you think? What are your plans or do you currently use to transport your babes?


Edit: Just saw this convertible pushchair to bike. Brilliant - for one only sadly.

Becoming a full time mama

Source: BBC

It's 9:30pm. I've run around after the boys all day and then tried to do a full day's work. I've thrown together a bolognaise ready to serve to Mr M when he walks in the door at around 10. I boil the water go to put the pasta in and realise I have no pasta. A frantic call later Mr M walks through the door with the pasta asking me how I can forget the pasta when I went shopping for a pasta dish. This isn't the first time it's happened.

You see it's not just the pasta I forget. I forget to have a shower. I forget that I put washing in washing machine the night before and now it's smelling musty. I forget to pay my congestion charge for driving in central London and now face a fine of £60/$120. I forget to put out the rubbish and miss the collection with an overflowing bin. I forget to take Master R's shoes to nursery so he can't play outside and I forget to take my keys out of the bugaboo the when I left it at nursery locking myself outside. Let's not even go into my personal finances where I forget to transfer money regularly and overdraw my accounts.

The issue is that for the past 20 months I have been juggling motherhood, running a home (a difficult and generally discounted job!), and a partner who works very long hours and is very reliant on me to run the show. All this on top of running a business full time. Not to mention attempting to look after myself and knitting.

While I don't feel that I'm on the brink of a breakdown or anything, I just feel constant guilt. Guilt that I'm not giving anything 100%. I'm failing as a partner, failing as a homemaker, failing as a business woman, but most importantly failing as a mother. Something had to give. I've made the decision to close down my business.

It wasn't an easy decision. I started the business naively thinking that it would be easier working for myself when I had children. The opposite is true. It is so much easier to be an employee and take your maternity leave while the concerns of the business are left with the business.

I am relieved that the decision has been made and this chapter has now closed behind me. I'm looking forward to a new start. I want to focus on looking after myself, getting fitter and working on a few other projects. Most importantly I don't want to feel guilty that the boys aren't getting the best mother and "wife" that I can be.

Finished Objects (o.k., not finished by me...)

Mamas,

I've been quiet for a spell - summer weekends on Fire Island have kept me away from computers, and by day's end I'm reduced to a useless rag with just enough energy for Mad Men with vino (bless you, sexy Don Draper, you cheating scoundrel). But I'm hoping this fall to have more time to post, and read and re-read your own wonderful posts.

Let's kick it off with a few of my mother-in-law's gifties to her precious GrandMaster K, for his recent second birthday:






Oooooh. Aaaaah. I can relax and drop my knitting-needled pretense - she has us covered.

But I haven't totally given up on the domestic goddess approach to life...I have received a 3-year subscription to Fine Cooking, and I intend to do some of just that. So stay tuned and I'll share the least-maintenance, most delicious recipes that I come across. Mama H's pancake recipe book kept me busy on weekends this summer. Wish I could jet over to her place and do some cooking relief for Mister T! I do look forward to hearing dispatches from her bed-rest... with all that lying down and thinking, she's sure to be a zen master by December!

- Mama V.

And still more finished gifts

As mentioned in a previous post I've been knitting so much for others that I forgot that my own poor son Master R doesn't have a hat or gloves for winter. After a little searching through Ravelry I found this free pattern for the Norwegian Earflap hat. I love the challenge of knitting this intarsia star pattern and yet the speed you can finish it since it's a small project.

After knitting Master R's hat I liked it so much that I made another one for a friend's little boy's 2nd birthday. I did it without a pompom. I personally like it with the pompom but wasn't sure about it - I'm always so insecure with my knitting and not sure that people will like it. That's why I've only just started gift knitting again. So what do you think? With or without pompom?

The final picture is the back of a coat I knitted. The pattern looks incredibly complex but it honestly just looks that way. When we moved back to London from New York in February I wanted to bring along one big project that would keep me going for the 12 weeks until our boxes arrived. This was the perfect project. It's all done in moss (seed) stitch (k1, p1) so it takes a while. And you do need to concentrate on getting the vines and flowers in the right place. I had finished it months ago except one sleeve which I finished just before Master T was born. I really do need to take some nice pictures of it though. The buttons are just beautiful

In hindsight I really wish that I'd done this in grey. I love wearing grey and don't enjoy purple so much. But I was really trying to get out of my grey rut where everything I was knitting myself was grey. I've given up now and will just knit in grey because then I know I'll wear it. So while this isn't technically a gift knit, I'll probably not wear it often and should really give it away. It's just about finding someone who does like purple handknitted coats.

Time to put my feet up

Miss L imitating her mommy's bedrest

A few weeks ago I had my usual biweekly ultrasound at the hospital. The twins looked great, growing and developing and moving a lot. They took cute profile pictures of Boy AA and Girl BB that I could take home. At the end of the appointment they measured my cervix, which is a leading indicator of preterm labor, a risk that becomes higher with multiples. They discovered that it had shortened by half so the doctor ordered me downstairs for monitoring. There they hooked me up to a machine to see if I was having contractions. I told them I had only experienced fatigue (associated with chasing after a toddler) and the usual lower back pain associated with pregnancy (especially when your belly has grown to the size of mine with two little ones inside).

Well, the monitor confirmed that I was having contractions. They were mild, but every two minutes. At this point the shots started. I still can't pronounce the medication that was injected into my arm, but I can tell you that the effect was like drinking a barrel of espresso. The jolt was so strong that I could barely say the word "cashmerino" when I was explaining to the nurse that I was knitting a doll for Miss L's upcoming birthday. It took two shots to stop the contractions and then it was decided that I would need to stay overnight for observation, just in case they started again in the middle of the night.

By this time I was worried and nervous, and in a strange hospital all by myself. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. The sobbing started when I realized that I would have to spend my first night away from Miss L. My mother drove in to watch Miss L while Mister T brought me some things to calm me down and distract me, like my knitting bag and stack of New Yorkers that had been piling up.

I was very lucky to have the most amazing nurses taking care of me during my overnight stay. They sat with me for hours trying to assuage my fears, reassure me that Miss L was going to be just fine for this one night and help me talk through how I could make adjustments to my daily routine in order to take it easier. My night nurse came in the room to tuck me in when I was ready to go to sleep. I couldn't have asked for better care.

I returned home the next day and began my regimen of bed rest. I can be on my feet for a few hours a day, but need to lay down the rest of the time. Sitting up counts toward my few hours of being up.

The first few days were tough. I was missing my adventures with Miss L, taking her to the park and the pool. And I really missed being able to pick her up and hold her in my arms. I also started to fear that my household would quickly deteriorate into Grey Gardens without my meticulous upkeep. Luckily, Mister T is home, but this bed rest was going to put a lot on his plate. Speaking of plates, the first thing Mister T recommended that we change was to eat on paper plates (he has never liked doing the dishes)!

After we weathered the transition period (and avoided having to buy paper plates), things started to run smoothly again and everyone adjusted to a new routine, including me coming to grips with what I just can't do or control right now and being okay with it. Mister T is handling everything from picking up Miss L out her crib first thing in the morning to preparing all the meals to cleaning up after the meals to doing all the food shopping to taking Miss L on walks and to the park. Miss L has handled everything wonderfully, although at times she can't help but ask if Mommy can jump up and down and dance with her. I just tell her I will join her very soon again in these fun adventures.

I also remind myself that bed rest can be common with multiples. I'm lucky that it's only a few more months. And the doctor hasn't put me on daily medication or a home monitoring device so while we need to be cautious we don't need to panic. I just need to put my feet up, take deep yoga breaths and enjoy my knitting.

Boy oh boy!

Source: www.myfavoritefavors.net

It has been a long time since I posted, but more on that later. I want to make this first post back about the beautiful baby boys that have recently arrived to our TKMamas group. Mamas J and N are doing superb jobs caring for their newborn and toddler sons. I think we have all enjoyed the recent photos of Masters A and R posing with their little brothers. And aren't we lucky to have "mama of two" expert Mama LS for good advice and understanding?!

We now count ten boys with my Miss L still holding the spot of the only girl in the group! Miss L has been repeating "boy, boy, boy" around the house and Mister T is hoping she is not already boy crazy. I just think she is remembering all of her friends from playgroup.

About a month ago the Times wedding section had a wonderful story about a bride and groom who first met as infants in their neighborhood playgroup. Don't worry, I'm not trying to marry off Miss L before she turns two. What I love about this story is that even though the groom's family moved away when they were just toddlers, every year they returned to visit and reconnect with their playgroup friends so the bride and groom had this sense of growing up together over shared summer vacations.

I can only hope that Miss L and I will see all of you every year! I loved the end of the story when the two moms walked down the aisle together in the wedding procession. You could feel their connectedness after all those years and miles between them.

Some completed gift knits

I had vowed never to knit a gift again following a bad experience. But since Mama J is a fellow knitter I decided it was a safe gift. Given how much Master A loves George I thought his brother would too so I made him a George the monkey. It's a great quick crochet project that is very cute! And believe it or not I actually ran out of the brown so I had to give him a tshirt and shorts.

Then I knitted up a vest for Master L. I love this pattern. It's normally done in thick yarn and is also a quick knit. Not wanting to leave out Master A, and because two boys look so cute in matching clothes, I also knitted him a vest. It's done on thicker yarn so was just as quick as the small one to complete. Actually it was quicker because I didn't put the grey around the sleeves. I didn't have the right yarn so left it off. It looks cute anyway. NB. The vests are the same navy but the lighting was different in each picture so one looks a bit washed out.

The top picture is Iggle Piggle a children's TV character here. Master R just loves the show and it's one show I don't mind him watching. If you saw the pics of me catching a bus to the hospital to give birth to Master T you'll see me crocheting this. It was my goal to give it to Master R when I left hospital as a little present. But I didn't quite get it finished in time. Unfortunately Master R showed zero attention to it. He's never liked any soft toys! Oh well, it looks cute on the chair in his room. Maybe Master T will like it.

The trend continues: introducing Timo

How can it be that I too have a boy? What's in the water in BPC? What's more, why is everyone I know having two of the same? Strange phenomenon going on. I'm thrilled though. I think secretly I wanted another boy. Master R and Master T will be so close in age that it will be nice to be brothers. Will just have to convince Mr M for another one and this time hope for a girl. Mr M by the way is chuffed to bits to have another boy. He's such boy man that I actually can't see him with a girl. But I know his heart would melt the moment the little girl said "Papi" and gave him a big cuddle.

We've had a few comments about the name. I didn't actually think it was all that unusual but I guess if I wasn't living with a German it would be strange to me too. Timo is pronounced "Teemo" and is not and uncommon name in Germany/Holland/Scandiland. And yes it also happens to be another Formula 1 driver, Timo Glock, just like Ralf Schumacher. You can tell where we get our inspiration! Luckily for me, sadly for Mr M, our boys will most likely be too tall to be F1 drivers. Most are about 5'8 with shoes on. We'll have to focus on tennis, swimming, football (the round ball type) and rugby.

So how am I feeling? Apart from being sore from the c-sec and having sore nipples (Mama LS was right, it does hurt again the second time boo hoo), I feel absolutely fine. Master T just seems so easy. He sleeps, eats, sleeps, poos, eats, sleeps etc. He doesn't seem as alert or noise sensitive as Master R (oh dear, the comparisons have started already), and just seems like a calmer baby in general. If I could use one word to sum up how I feel it's lazy. Completely and utterly lazy. I don't feel like doing a single thing but lazing about on the sofa knitting. I don't even feel like walking up all the hideous stairs in this house to bed. Just sitting. And knitting.

My mum's here for another 8 days so I've decided just to spend that time doing as much sitting and knitting as possible. Then the fun will begin.

Master R on the other hand isn't doing quite so well. But that's another blog post.