The octomom

The documentary has just aired on UK TV tonight. Its like watching a horrific car accident. I just can't bring myself to turn it off and yet I'm cringing and feeling so angry at her.

Initially I thought I'd watch it with an open mind. I would not prejudge her and give her the benefit of being a loving woman who took motherhood into her own hands and on her own terms. But after seeing those poor children I just feel ill.

The programme starts with feeding time for the 9mth old octuplets. They are all just screaming and kicking fighting for food and spitting it out at the same time. Nayda and her two helpers just can't give the love and attention that these poor babies need.

What was even more sickening is the poor older children. The oldest girl is old beyond her years. When Nadya pokes the camera into her face and asks her Do you enjoy all the babies? The poor girl responds that she wishes she was an only child. So often she is shown caring for the babies. Sure I did that too as the oldest of 4 and resented the care I had to give but was also proud at the same time. But to have to help care for 13 siblings when is is still a young girl herself?

The autistic boy is given a shower of kisses and then pushed off to a minder while Nadya turns her back on him and attends to the other children.

Then the stupid woman shoved the camera in the face of a boy of about 6-7 years. He screams to get the camera out of his face. Nadya laughs and says he hates being on camera and she respects that. But she continues to hound the boy until he completely breaks down screaming at her and calling her an arsehole. Lovely. Its no wonder the boy cracks and throws a screwdriver at his mother cutting her nose. He screams out "F*%K You!" then tells her he doesn't like her talking about him. This is a cry for help, surely? These are healthy and well adjusted children.

The only saving grace is that the courts have been given some power to protect the children. I hope they step in soon and realise that this constant publicity is so destroying for these poor children.

Come on, ride the train!

Man, Master D is crazy about trains. He has never actually been on one, unless subways count, but he cannot get enough of locomotives.

Master D turned 2 in September and became the proud owner of a train table. He has his own room here, but it suffered from lack of use because it harbors his own bed ["No!"], books ["In Mommy's bed!"], and his clothes and diapers ["Bad!"]. About a week before his birthday, I finally hit the Craigslist jackpot that rewarded me for months of pushing the refresh button on the baby + kids For Sale page. A Thomas train table, in a neighboring town, for $100. I was prepared to pay at least twice that for a nice set, but this one had it all - even the battery-operated engines that drag the trains around the tracks all by themselves. It has tons of track, so we could make a bunch of different designs, but it takes so long to build one that actually stands up to a toddler that the tracks might as well be permanent. It came with 20 trains, and a really cute table that looks great in Master D's room.

The good news is that it keeps Master D busy for a long time - sometimes long enough for me to get dressed in peace, and his poor bedroom is less lonely. The bad news is that it has not diminished his enthusiasm for other train tables, which means we still can't get in and out of Barnes and Noble in less than an hour.

Happy Halloween!

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As Halloween approaches I can't help but reminisce about the wonderful Halloween party we had last year. It was a time when all of us mamas were together. I remember bumping into Mama N on the way to the party and strolling Master R and Miss L in their puppy and cow costumes to the Thursday playgroup festivities. We have that great group photo with all of our little ones in their first Halloween costumes. It was one of those moments that caused me to pause and appreciate all of the amazing friendships we had formed over the year. I think I will always remember that day together quite vividly as Halloween approaches every year.

This year we decided that Miss L would be a bumblebee since she loves to see the bees buzzing around the flowering rosemary bush in the front of our house. As you can see by the photo above, Miss L could not wait to wear her bee costume.

Today we had a neighborhood Halloween party just a few blocks away at our local park. I was so happy that I could go with Mister T and Miss L. We brought a blanket so I could lay down and adhere to my bed rest regimen. It was so nice to see Miss L enjoying the festivities and for me to get some fresh air. Miss L enjoyed decorating pumpkins with felt stickers and watching a puppet show. There was a deejay on hand to play festive tunes, such as Thriller, Ghostbusters and the Addams Family theme song. There were bouncy houses, bubbles and balloons. My favorite party treat was the canvas bag that everyone took home to use for trick or treating. They are meant to be colored with pens so Miss L and I will have an extra craft to work on this week.

I can't wait to hear from the mamas about all their masters' Halloween costumes and the Thursday playgroup festivities. I wish we could be there with you!

Why does colic feel like an admission of defeat?

Master L is a colicky baby. There, I've said it.

I don't know why "colic" feels like a bad word to me, that to admit it and say it out loud, seems like some kind of failure, like there's something I could be doing to prevent it, if only I was a better mom or had more patience. Mister R has been saying it for weeks as he carries around inconsolable Master L for hours on end. I've been saying that he's just a baby and babies cry, that Master A was like this, but it's much worse. Most babies don't stay up for 6-9 hours at a time and require that they be held the whole time and still scream.

Of course some of you mamas have thought he seems so good- at playgroup if I wear him- he's usually passed out- but that's only because I'm wearing him. Part of the reason I haven't been in a rush for a double stroller is that I know he'll never sleep in it for more than a minute.

So why have I argued with Mister R about this- when he called him colicky? Calling him a terrorist was fine by me but "colicky" was unacceptable. Today, when I got home from work and my parents watched the boys for a few hours, my mom said he cried for three hours. She compared him to my nephew who had horrible colic and it finally hit me that Master L really is colicky.

I think I just don't want my precious baby to be labeled as a bad baby- like saying it now will make it stick with him always. I know that part of the reason I haven't been in a rush to get some help is that I'm afraid someone else won't be able to handle him. I love him to pieces and it's hard for me to keep the patience to deal with his crying jags. My parents love him and found it very tough. I feel like to deal with him- I could only have someone there who loves him or I may come home to no baby!

Master L is 9 1/2 weeks now- why has it taken me so long to admit it- it really is quite ridiculous? Why do I feel like it's an admission of defeat?

Powder in a can

Wee Go Baby Bottle, Source: www.babygreenguide.com

I have decided that I should have formula on hand just in case I need it for the twins to supplement breastfeeding. Deep down inside I don't want to use it, but I want to be prepared. I realize that I may need to supplement for the twins' weight gain or for my own sanity so someone else can give them a bottle while I try to get some sleep. Given my challenges with breastfeeding one child I want to be a little more flexible and prepared.

I have no idea how to start comparing different formula brands and ingredients. How do I know which one is safe and healthy? How can I get over looking at it as a processed food?

I am hoping the mamas can help me with some suggestions and advice!

The daily struggle

So- it's been eight weeks since Master L came into my life. I can't believe how much has changed- how little sleep I get, how it's more than double the work, but how much my heart has expanded.

First, I want to thank everyone for their support with breastfeeding. I'm proud to stay that I'm still going strong and intend to continue. It was very hard initially- for me it really took about five weeks before I realized that it wasn't killing me, that I wasn't cooling down my boob with gel pads, or using my prosthetic nipple (nipple shield). I know I whined a lot initially and asked lots of dumb questions (thanks especially Mama N), but I made it over the hurdle. Before, I couldn't imagine whipping out my boob in public- but now I don't even think about it. I hope to make it six months, but who knows, maybe I'll go further. Maybe I'll even be one of the moms we saw on Dateline nursing their seven year old :) Just stop me if you see me carrying around a re-born doll.

Having two has been a struggle, it's hard when you want to be not Supermom- but just a good mom- and you are pulled in all directions. Master L is a more difficult baby than Master A was, and chasing Master A around as well has been challenging. I still haven't gotten help and I'm trying to manage the boys and work. Simple things like preparing dinner become a battle (I must say my CSA forces me to cook and avoid take out for weeks I did initially with Master A) or picking up around the apartment. Some days I feel lucky to have just survived the day. There were a few weeks when I was so exhausted I wasn't making much sense in talking to the mamas, I'd forget things like strapping Master A into his stroller, or dropping my mail down the mail chute. I'm just thankful that there is no camera in my apartment as I sit on my computer working, making calls with Master L sucking on my boob. If I get a shower by 1 p.m., I consider it a success. I went a bit nuts planning Master L's baby naming, but now that it's done, I'm feeling some pressure gone. Luckily, work for me is pretty slow. I must say I do enjoy the one afternoon a week I get into the office. It's a bit of a break. This past week, Master A has starting acting up- reverting back to throwing food on the floor, more tantrums, whining for tons of milk and now stealing Master L's paci and popping it in his mouth (we bought completely different ones for Master L and initally he just handed them to me). It's been very frustrating and I know I just have to stay firm and wait it out. I hate spending half the day fighting with him and saying "No".

What I have learned over the past two months, which is very hard for me, is I may not be able to do it all with a newborn and toddler. The books for two book clubs may not be read, I may not knit as much and just stare at the boob tube at night and everything doesn't have to be done immediately. I worried initially that I wasn't spending enough time with Master A, now I worry that I don't do as much for Master L, that there aren't as many pictures, that his birth announcements didn't make it out fast enough. There have been days my hormones kick in and I am so upset that I'm not doing enough. I do think I have to remember that this is in my head and that they are boys and will not care about any of these things. Some days will be good, some will be hideous, but I'm sure it will be like that for the next 18 years ... or next 20 years if Mister R has his way and there's a third. I was watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 and Kate was talking about how sad it was that the little ones were all in school already. It does go by so fast. How is Master A already approaching two. So please, when I tell you that I'm taking on another outlandish project, remind me to slow down.

Right now I'm watching Master A walk around with my pants around his neck as a giant scarf, carrying a bag of yarn and dancing. I think I'm going to get off the computer and go dance. I may not have gone back and edited this- but I think you'll forgive me.

Hello navel! I've missed you

Six weeks post baby and half the weight gone. I've become reacquainted with my belly button and some of my regular clothes. However that was the easy weight and the next half isn't going to be quite so easy.

Having been given the all clear by my doctor last week we went for our first family run on the weekend. It was a moment I have been waiting for for 10.5 months. My double jogging stroller was my first purchase when I found out about pregnancy number 2. I'd enjoyed my morning runs with Master R along the Hudson River and couldn't wait to start again. My single jogger was left in the caring hands of Mama A (I hope you're using it!).

When we moved back to London the main criteria for a house was proximity to a large park so I could jog. We're right near Victoria Park, one of London's best kept secrets. At one stage deer roamed free but now it's just a huge park with great running paths and gardens.

Mr M and I were a little concerned about Master T's head wobbling around too much but we secured it with blankets and did a few test runs and he seemed very content nestled into the side of the seat.

The last time I went for a run was December '08 so I wasn't expecting much. However I surprised myself, and Mr M, by running the full planned distance of approximately 6kms/4 miles. I did feel it the next day though.

Both boys loved it. Master R loves looking at the ducks and "eich", abbreviated German for squirrels, which we have to acknowledge every time he sees one. Master T just slept. Let's hope it continues because I still have quite a few lbs to lose!