The daily struggle

So- it's been eight weeks since Master L came into my life. I can't believe how much has changed- how little sleep I get, how it's more than double the work, but how much my heart has expanded.

First, I want to thank everyone for their support with breastfeeding. I'm proud to stay that I'm still going strong and intend to continue. It was very hard initially- for me it really took about five weeks before I realized that it wasn't killing me, that I wasn't cooling down my boob with gel pads, or using my prosthetic nipple (nipple shield). I know I whined a lot initially and asked lots of dumb questions (thanks especially Mama N), but I made it over the hurdle. Before, I couldn't imagine whipping out my boob in public- but now I don't even think about it. I hope to make it six months, but who knows, maybe I'll go further. Maybe I'll even be one of the moms we saw on Dateline nursing their seven year old :) Just stop me if you see me carrying around a re-born doll.

Having two has been a struggle, it's hard when you want to be not Supermom- but just a good mom- and you are pulled in all directions. Master L is a more difficult baby than Master A was, and chasing Master A around as well has been challenging. I still haven't gotten help and I'm trying to manage the boys and work. Simple things like preparing dinner become a battle (I must say my CSA forces me to cook and avoid take out for weeks I did initially with Master A) or picking up around the apartment. Some days I feel lucky to have just survived the day. There were a few weeks when I was so exhausted I wasn't making much sense in talking to the mamas, I'd forget things like strapping Master A into his stroller, or dropping my mail down the mail chute. I'm just thankful that there is no camera in my apartment as I sit on my computer working, making calls with Master L sucking on my boob. If I get a shower by 1 p.m., I consider it a success. I went a bit nuts planning Master L's baby naming, but now that it's done, I'm feeling some pressure gone. Luckily, work for me is pretty slow. I must say I do enjoy the one afternoon a week I get into the office. It's a bit of a break. This past week, Master A has starting acting up- reverting back to throwing food on the floor, more tantrums, whining for tons of milk and now stealing Master L's paci and popping it in his mouth (we bought completely different ones for Master L and initally he just handed them to me). It's been very frustrating and I know I just have to stay firm and wait it out. I hate spending half the day fighting with him and saying "No".

What I have learned over the past two months, which is very hard for me, is I may not be able to do it all with a newborn and toddler. The books for two book clubs may not be read, I may not knit as much and just stare at the boob tube at night and everything doesn't have to be done immediately. I worried initially that I wasn't spending enough time with Master A, now I worry that I don't do as much for Master L, that there aren't as many pictures, that his birth announcements didn't make it out fast enough. There have been days my hormones kick in and I am so upset that I'm not doing enough. I do think I have to remember that this is in my head and that they are boys and will not care about any of these things. Some days will be good, some will be hideous, but I'm sure it will be like that for the next 18 years ... or next 20 years if Mister R has his way and there's a third. I was watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 and Kate was talking about how sad it was that the little ones were all in school already. It does go by so fast. How is Master A already approaching two. So please, when I tell you that I'm taking on another outlandish project, remind me to slow down.

Right now I'm watching Master A walk around with my pants around his neck as a giant scarf, carrying a bag of yarn and dancing. I think I'm going to get off the computer and go dance. I may not have gone back and edited this- but I think you'll forgive me.